


God Knows I Loved God Knows I Lied

by LarkThePerson



Series: get us in some trouble [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Background Relationships, Emotional Intimacy, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Multi, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Past Foggy Nelson/Matt Murdock, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Break Up, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 03:42:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14300019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarkThePerson/pseuds/LarkThePerson
Summary: "You know that Foggy and I were dating? Before –”“I didn’t know,” Steve says and Bucky’s not even sure Steve knows who Foggy is.“He was really kind, and gentle. I really loved him.” He says.“I’m sorry you lost him,” Steve answers.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this instead of working on the polisci presentation I have to do tomorrow. Oops. Also, this hasn't been edited at all yet so sorry about any mistakes or weird phrasing.
> 
> I might write more of this at an unknown date in the future. But now that I've been accepted into grad school who knows. But I do want to explore Matt's perspective more eventually. 
> 
> The title is from "God Knows I Tried" by Lana Del Ray
> 
> For a more detailed warning see the end notes.

“You ok dude?” Clint asks.

Matt blinks slowly, looking confused and absent.

“Uhhh, yeah – I guess.” He answers eventually.

Clint flops down beside him on the couch and yawns feigning nonchalance. 

Steve walks in with a bowl of popcorn from the kitchen and hands it over to Clint before grabbing Matt’s shoulder. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks still standing over Matt’s shoulder.

“Nahh,” Matt answers still looking distant.

“Ok, dude,” Clint says hauling himself up to turn the movie on. They’re watching a Harvey Milk documentary. Clint has decided Steve needs to catch up on queer American history and documentaries are easy for Matt to watch, needing little audio description in them. Clint on the other hand has his computer rigged to allow captions on all videos, a gift from Tony. They try their best to break up the heartbreaking with the lighthearted but catching Steve up on queer history is mostly heartbreaking.

It’s a heartbreaking film. They’ve gotten to the point of Milk’s murder and the candlelight vigil held the night after. Clint is curled up on the couch crying, Steve is sniffing ever few moments on the chair. Matt is stock still, tears streaming slowly down his face. When the film starts to catalogue the riots, Matt shoots up and walks out of the room.

Steve pauses the film and takes a deep breath. They wait in silence for a few moments. Matt doesn’t come back. Clint goes to the kitchen, gets more snacks, changes into his softest shirt. When he gets back Steve is just walking back into the room.

“He’s on the roof.” Steve says as he collapses into the space Matt left behind. Lucky comes over and noses his hand. Steve leans over to stroke her sides attentively. She takes a moment to lick his palms and he smiles brilliantly at her.

“Is he coming back?” Clint asks watching Steve pet Lucky with pleasure.

“He told me to keep watching without him,” Steve answers finally looking up at Clint. He can see the concern that Steve must be unwilling to voice in Matt’s earshot.

Clint pats the couch and Lucky jumps happily up. Clint hugs her for a moment before she settles with her head in his lap.

“I’m worried about him,” Clint says finally. Steve may be too polite to talk about Matt within his earshot but Clint has never had any shame. 

Steve just nods and goes to turn the film back on.

~~~~~~

Bucky doesn’t understand why these idiots are making themselves cry. What’s the fucking point of a film, if they’re only going to cry at it. Despite watching the three of them carefully, he surprised when Matt appears on the roof. He sits on the roof edge, back to Bucky, and Bucky can see his shoulders shaking slightly. Eventually, Matt leans forward and breathes entirely too quickly. Bucky feels the urge to go and talk him through his breathlessness. He also realizes that Matt is very vulnerable and would be easy to take out in this moment. Not for the first time, Bucky regrets spying on Steve, Clint and Matt’s movie night with a scope mounted on a loaded snipper rifle. 

Instead of shooting, he carefully puts away the riffle and carefully stashes it so none of the kids who sometimes play on this roof could possibly find it. He then jumps and climbs over to Clint’s roof. When he reaches matt he just sits by him. Far enough away that he can’t even feel Matt’s body heat.

Matt is really gasping. Sounds like he’s a moment away from passing out. Bucky reminds himself that this isn’t Steve, he doesn’t have asthma, he’ll probably be fine. 

Matt doesn’t acknowledge him the whole time he calms down. They just sit there in near silence. Matt cries a bit in the aftermath of his panic attack. 

Bucky hands him a packet of tissues. Matt makes a strange face.

“My nose still runs.” Bucky answers the look. Matt makes a considering face before wiping his eyes. 

When Matt is finally breathing slowly again, Bucky says: “Hey,”

Matt answers: “They should hold candlelight vigils for people like us.”

Bucky frowns at him for a moment before realizing that Matt can’t see his expression.

“Why?” he says eventually.

Matt shrugs.

“Ok,” Bucky says and they sit there for another half hour in silence. Bucky pays attention to the way the wind feels on his skin, the rocking of his body with his pulse. He tries to be in his body, unbearable as it is.

Matt doesn’t make a sound when Steve climbs up to the roof but he tenses and that’s all the warning Bucky gets.

“Hey,” Steve says and he smiles gently at Bucky. Matt nods in response and Bucky doesn’t smile but he scoots closer to Matt and tips his head to the space he’s opened beside himself. Steve folds himself into the space Bucky has made. Bucky waves his hand, then tugs Steve’s shirt until they are sitting flush against each other.

Steve rubs Bucky’s back and the feeling is surprisingly pleasant. It’s only been a week since they started touching each other again, sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn’t. Today looks like touching is ok.

“You ok Matt?” Steve asks looking over Bucky’s hunched shoulders.

Bucky sees Matt shake his head in his peripheral. 

Steve makes an encouraging noise against Bucky’s shoulder, trying to get Matt to tell them more.

“It’s a hard movie to watch,” Steve says after a moment and Bucky wonders what the fuck they were watching. 

Matt shakes his head again. 

“It’s not that.” He says with a shuddering breath. 

Steve makes a questioning noise and Bucky grabs Steve arm and Steve lets him pull it off his back. Bucky holds his hand instead. Steve starts rubbing his thumb on Bucky’s hand. 

“Stop,” Bucky whispers touching Steve’s thumb, “not you,” he says a break later to reassure Matt.

Matt shrugs again, “It’s ok,” he assures Bucky.

Then a moment later: “You know that Foggy and I were dating? Before –” 

“I didn’t know,” Steve says and Bucky’s not even sure Steve knows who Foggy is.

“He was really kind, and gentle. I really loved him.” He says.

“I’m sorry you lost him,” Steve answers. 

“No, I brought on myself.” Matt says.

“I’m still sorry.” Steve counters.

“No,” Matt sighs in frustration, “it wasn’t good in the end. It wasn’t ok anymore.”

Bucky feel his stomach twist. He wishes Sam were here. Sam would know what to do with this.

“What you mean?” Bucky asks quietly. 

“He – I,” Matt takes a deep breath, twists his hands, squirms in his spot, “he raped me. A month before we broke up.”

Bucky focuses on breathing slowly and normally through his heartrate skyrocketing. Steve doesn’t do as well. He breathes deeply through his nose and squeezes Bucky’s hand, Bucky squeezes back.

“I mean, I guess he raped me – I didn’t want it. I just kept thinking ‘I wish it were over, I wish this would stop,’” Matt hugs his knees up to his chest. 

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” Steve tells Matt, his voice soft.

Matt laughs a little hysterically, “It’s ok. I’ll just add it to the fucking pile.” Matt sounds angry. He chokes, begins to cry again.

“I can ruin him.” Bucky offers.

Matt chokes harder.

“He can be encouraged to never speak to you again. He won’t be able to trace it back to you.” Bucky tells him.

“I can make it hurt.” Bucky offers finally.

Matt laughs though his tears, before he makes a keening noise and curls in on himself. Then finally he is silent except for a few gasps.

“I trusted him,” Matt whispers.

“Matt, you are not to blame for this. It’s not your fault. It’s not,” Matt is shaking his head, “you couldn’t have known.”

“I could have stopped him. I could have. I just – I was so tired and I just… gave up.” Matt sounds exhausted even now.

“Then he should have left you the fuck alone.” Steve tells him firmly.

Matt stays silent for a long time.

Bucky focuses on the heat of Steve’s body, the slightly uncomfortable way that Steve’s leather jacket digs into his side.

He can hear Matt breathing.

“I haven’t told Frank,” he says eventually.

“You don’t have to,” Bucky tells him.

“I want to.” He says, “I’m afraid.”

“If he doesn’t take it well I will shoot him myself.” Steve says. Bucky feels a little swell of pride and love at the words.

“You can take Sam with you. Or Jessica, or us.” Bucky tells him.

“I want to go home now.” Matt says quietly. He’s clearly avoiding but Bucky will allow it.

“We can do that.” Steve says, firm and gentle.

“Want us to take you? Clint has a car, I think.” Steve offers.

“You’re not fucking driving,” Bucky tells him “I can’t believe people let you drive.”

“Excuse you I have a driver’s license, unlike someone I know.” Steve retorts.

He throws a fake license at Steve as he walks downstairs.

Matt hadn’t even agreed to be taken home yet, but Bucky decides to decide for him. 

They all walk down to Clint’s apartment. Clint is half asleep on the couch and he jumps up when Steve enters the living room. 

“We’re taking your car.” Bucky tells him, takes the keys and walks out the apartment to wait for Matt and Steve in the car.

~~~~~~

Matt’s eyes are red and raw behind his glasses when he comes downstairs with Steve and Bucky. Clint is amazed to see Steve and Bucky standing so close together. The amazement is short-lived. Bucky leaves with his car keys without even asking for permission.

Clint decides to give up that fight on the spot. If Bucky crashes his car he can always get Tony to get him a new one. 

“You ok Matt?” he asks instead of running after Bucky.

Matt shakes his hand but says “Bucky’s taking me home.” 

“Ok dude, take it easy. Want a hug before you go?” he says still sitting on the couch.

Matt bows his head, thinks for a moment.

“Uh-huh,” he says after a few minutes.

“Get ready, dude! I’m gonna hug you so good!” he says enthusiastically but he hugs Matt as gently as he can. Rocks him slightly as they hug. Matt rubs his back. Clint can feel how stiff and uncomfortable he is and he’s going to kill Steve and Bucky if they did anything to upset Matt.

Matt breaks away too soon.

He grabs his coat, thanks Clint for the night, and Clint shouts after him, “Love you, Matt.”

Matt answers in a strained voice, “Yeah, you too.”

~~~~~~

Bucky and Steve keep up a strange bickering the whole way home. Bucky vaguely remembers that he and Steve used to bicker but he doesn’t remember the words. Steve clearly does but he’s also such a different person. The bickering goes smoothly but Bucky has the nagging feeling that they’re doing it wrong. He tries to ignore the feeling. It’s an insignificant feeling in the face of Matt’s tragedy.

When they get to Matt’s place Steve gets out of the car to walk Steve up to the apartment like some fucking fairytale character. 

Bucky calls Natasha.

“Yes?” she answers.

“We need to arrange a candlelight vigil.” He says.

She doesn’t miss a beat.

“What for?” she asks.

“Rape.” He says.

“So, for sexual violence victims and survivors.”

“Yes, that.” He says, and Steve climbs into the car as he answers.

“I’ll get in contact with Pepper. I’ll make sure she makes it a fundraiser too.” She says. He feels a pang of guilt for giving her a mission. Feels like they’re falling into an old dynamic he doesn’t want to examine. He pushes the feeling away to be looked at another day.

“Thank you, Natasha.”

Steve nudges him to hand over the phone, so he does.

He doesn’t pay attention to Steve and Natasha’s conversation. He’s exhausted. He feels a wave of upset wash over him, for Matt, for Steve for whom this also must be hard for, for himself.

“Thanks, Nat. See you tomorrow.” Steve says as he hangs up.

He hands the phone over.

They sit in silence for a moment before Bucky starts the car. As they’re driving towards Clint’s place Steve says, “I’d like to stay at Sam’s tonight.”

Bucky gets it. Steve is asking in his painful clunky way if Bucky wants to come with or wants Sam to himself for the night. Someday, Bucky thinks, Steve will learn to ask for what he wants. Not this day.

“Call him, I’ll sleep on the couch.” Bucky answers.

~~~~~~

After dropping off Clint’s car they go in different directions. Bucky goes up to the neighboring roof to get his riffle and bring it to a safehouse before heading to Sam’s apartment. 

Steve goes up to drop off Clint’s keys and take the subway to Sam’s place.

~~~~~~

When he gets to the apartment and lets himself in, Steve is on the couch and Sam is holding him. Bucky is suddenly and intensely grateful that Steve has Sam in his life. He thinks of Matt and hopes he won’t spend tonight alone either. 

Sam gestures to him. Bucky sits on the floor next to where Steve is curled up and reaches for his hand. They sit in silence for some long moments. Sam reaches for Bucky’s shoulder and Steve squeezes Bucky’s hand hard. Bucky lays his head on Steve’s knee and breathes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Idk why I labeled this as complete with only one chapter when I knew it was probably going to be at least three chapters. Oops. Anyway, here's the next chapter.
> 
> For more explicit warnings check the end notes.

When Sam starts to shift, uncomfortable with Steve’s weight, Steve suggests they go upstairs to bed. Bucky hats the suggestion instantly. He wants to stay here, barely touching, but basking in the warmth of his lovers anyway. The bed sounds stifling. Too big and warm and too much body contact. When Sam shifts to get up, Bucky tugs at him.

“Stay?” his voice is rough, “just a bit longer.” He says and shoves his face into Steve’s thigh more. Steve’s leg moves under him and he sees Sam adjusting to be more comfortable. Steve rests his forehead on Sam’s neck. Sam rubs Steve’s other thigh until Bucky grabs his hand again. They stay there only a few minutes, before Bucky stands.

He tugs Sam up, who stands groaning as he stretches his knees. When they’re all standing Bucky moves close to hug Sam. Steve knows better than to crowd Bucky. Instead, he stands beside the pair and rubs Bucky’s back.

When they separate Steve asks, “You’re not staying?” he doesn’t sound sad. Bucky rarely stays the night and Steve and Sam work hard to make sure Bucky never feels pressured into anything.

He shakes his head.

Steve leans in to kiss his temple.

“Be safe,” Steve murmurs against his skin.

Bucky nods and Sam squeezes his hand. 

~~~~~~

By the time Bucky reaches Matt’s apartment, Matt is already gone. It’s probably for the best. He settles into the tub and tries to calm down. Leaving Steve and Sam was the right decision but the idea that Matt might have been hurt here won’t leave Bucky. It’s pointless to worry about where Matt was hurt. Bucky knows this apartment has been the site of Matt’s pain many times. He has been here for many of Matt’s bloody returns from fights. But the idea of Matt being so hurt, by someone he loved and trusted, in the place Matt lives upsets Bucky more than he cares admit. 

Despite the anxious thoughts, Bucky actually manages to sleep until Matt comes home. He’s already awake when Matt walks into the bathroom and asks quietly, “Bucky?”

“Need the shower?” Bucky answers, ready to get out of his way.

“Yeah,” Matt’s voice is rough.

Bucky brushes past him in the narrow space to go sit in the living room. Now that Matt is home Bucky doesn’t want to leave him. He perches on the armchair, on edge again now that he’s awake.

Matt’s shoulders are curled and he’s shuffling his feet when he comes out of the bathroom. 

“I’ll keep watch.” Bucky tells him as he shuffles to the couch. It’s all he can give Matt.

“Yeah,” Matt replies before falling onto the couch. He’s asleep in moments. For two hours Bucky does nothing but watch carefully. It takes him those two hours to settle enough to pull out his phone and start fiddling.

He texts Sam and Steve first. They have a group chat where Sam sends them animals and memes, Steve sends news headlines and jokes about being in the future, and Bucky sends of mess of photos, strange observations, and half serious jokes about the future. But it’s also their serious chat, sometimes. He sends a quick message explaining he’s at Matt’s, that Matt is asleep, that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Sam assures him that whatever he’s doing its fine but sends him some articles anyway. Steve just tells him that whatever he says, trust Matt to tell him what he needs. Bucky is not heartened. 

He texts Natasha. She tells him Pepper will call later. This news causes a drop of anxiety in his stomach. Bucky respects the hell out of Pepper but she intimidates him.

He spends two more hours reading the articles Sam sent him and casually texting Sam and Steve. At 8:42 Matt snaps awake. His first word is “Bucky?”

“Yeah, its me.” He says. He knows what its like to wake up confused, unsure of who surrounds you.   
Matt sags when he hears Bucky’s voice and lets out a long breath.

“Coffee?” Bucky asks after a beat of silence. 

“From down the street?” Matt asks, and Bucky is pleased that Matt has stopped fighting him on this. Matt was always arguing that Bucky not buy him anything or that Bucky take Matt’s money to pay for things. Bucky has finally convinced him that with stolen Hydra money and other illegal funds he’s financially ok. He’s got enough money to buy Matt fancy coffee every day until he dies and he’ll still have plenty to spare.

“Yeah, from the place down the street,” Bucky confirms.

“Yes, please.” Matt responds.

When he returns from Matt’s favorite coffee place around the corner, Matt has already made himself and Bucky food. He’s dressed in comfortable clothes and his hair is sticking up strangely from the way he slept on the couch. Bucky feels a pang of fondness for his friend. 

“Coffee,” he says as he hands it over.

Matt takes a sip and sighs.

“With my senses, I can taste all the unwashed hands, dirt, and other stuff that gets into food when people prepare it but their coffee is always so good.” Matt explains. 

Bucky examines Matt’s face as they sit down to eat. 

“Your senses are that strong?” he asks. He knows about Matt’s super hearing but not this. Bucky and Steve are hypersensitive to many sensations but not like the way Matt’s just described.

“Yeah, and I can hear things from blocks away, and some sensations on my skin are – it can be hard. I can tell a lot about the person who prepared my food when I eat it.” He tells Bucky.

Bucky thinks about all the wonderful feelings Steve, Sam, and Natasha have introduced him to. All the new and wonderful tastes and materials he wasn’t allowed to enjoy before. How when he was still all alone in New York he found all the softest shirts and coats because they felt amazing on his skin and he was allowed to feel amazing things. He wonders if Matt allows himself such luxuries. Bucky doubts it. He starts to make a mental list of sensations Matt should feel. 

Just as Bucky is about to respond, his phone starts ringing. It’s Pepper. He winces. There will be no way to hide this conversation from Matt.

“Pepper,” he greets.

“Hello, Bucky.” She sounds both professional and warm, “Natasha contacted me last night about setting up a candlelight vigil. It won’t happen immediately but I can organize it by the end of the month. Do you have any specific requests?” Bucky watches Matt’s face as Pepper speaks. His head is cocked and he’s frowning ever so slightly. 

“Can we donate to multiple organizations?” he asks.

“Yes, of course. I can draw up some organizations and get back to you on that. Anything else?”

“Uhhh, I don’t want people with no money to feel pressured to donate when they can’t.” he tells her, imagining tiny angry Steve who would have wanted to go to a fundraiser or candlelight vigil but would have stayed away only because he was too poor to go to events like that. 

“We can get wealthy donors to match people’s donations or something along those lines. I’ll make sure that people know they don’t have to donate. I’m sure Tony will donate too.”

“Pepper, I don’t know how these things work.” Bucky has never see a candlelight vigil in his life, though he did see many of the protests of the 70s and 80s around the world, “Can you make sure its disability friendly?” he asks. This is important.

Pepper doesn’t miss a beat, “Yes of course. I could find some disability specific organizations too if you’d like. To donate to, I mean. I know some disability activists I could work with.” 

He’s blow away as always by her competence and her connections. 

“That’s everything,” he says.

“Ok, sounds great. I’ll keep you updated.” She tells him.

“Thank you so much, Pepper.” He says

When he hangs up the phone Matt stays silent for a long moment.

“Are you doing that for me?” he asks quietly.

“Yes.” Bucky sees no point in hiding it. 

“Bucky, I – it’s too much,” Matt tells him, and Bucky knew this was coming.

He shrugs before remembering he can’t exactly be nonverbal while talking to Matt.

“It’s already done.” Bucky says. 

“Bucky – thank you.” Matt finally says.

They eat the rest of their meal in silence. Bucky is antsy and uncomfortable in the apartment by the time they’re done but he doesn’t want to leave Matt. Matt must catch on somehow.

“Bucky, I’ll be fine.” He says in the silence.

Bucky really doubts that but he agrees to go anyway.

~~~~~~

Bucky feels lost when he leaves the apartment. He wants space but he needs to do something. He’s angry he realizes. He’s angry at Foggy and Stick and everyone who has hurt Matt, and with a jolt of surprise he realizes he’s angry for himself too. For everyone who hurt him. He’s angry for Steve and Natasha too, and all his other important people too. The rage burns through him in a way it hasn’t since he was very young. Even when he was hunting down Hydra for fun and vengeance he wasn’t angry like this.

He heads texts Frank to find out where he’s hiding today.

~~~~~~

“Tell me you have a mission?” he says when he finally walks into Frank’s safehouse.

“I always have missions.” Frank answers.

“A rapist, a human trafficker, anyone like that?” Bucky asks.

“Sure, I’ve got a couple.” Bucky hates that answer, that Frank doesn’t even have to think about it, but he is glad for the distraction when Frank hands him some files.

Bucky studies the different options Frank has presented him with and decides to go for a child rapist. Multiple calls to CPS and the cops but they never had enough to arrest the man. Luckily the kids had been moved to a new family. Unluckily, because man hadn’t been convicted he’s not on the registry. Killing him would be a public service.

“This one,” Bucky says, handing Frank the file. 

Frank nods grimly. 

“Tonight?” he asks.

Bucky shrugs. 

Frank nods, “Tonight.”

Bucky leaves then, for a few hours, so he can gather his riffle and gear. He also stakes out the location. Frank’s analysis of the location was spot on and Bucky feels confident that they will get the man tonight.   
The plan is to shoot him at a distance but Bucky is tempted to beat him to death with his own fists. It would be more satisfying. He thinks about this the whole evening as they prepare.

Really, there’s no need for two of them to go on this mission but Frank must feel how solemn an occasion this is and doesn’t suggest they take separate missions. 

It’s only when they’re stationed on the roof, looking through their respective scopes, that Bucky decides to let go of beating the man to death. If he wants to go to Matt’s tonight he refuses to show up smelling like freshly spilled blood.

Bucky takes the kill shot. It’s a beautiful shot. The kind of shot that made him such a famous assassin. Bucky has a moment of horror after he takes the shot. He wonders if the shot was too good. Will people suspect it was him. Frank would have been messier. And Bucky didn’t even bother to learn the man’s name. Not that he cares to but the guilt tells him he should feel ashamed about that. He weather’s the strange drop in mood, packs his rifle, slow and methodical. He starts forming the mission report he’ll need to recite before they put him on ice before he remembers he doesn’t need to do that. He’s not going on ice. Then he gives in and does it anyway, for the shear comfort of it. He reviews what happened, how he could be better, what he and Frank did well. By the time he’s done he feels more centered.

They go separate ways. This is part of the plan. He goes to Matt’s place instead, but not before stashing his rifle. 

It’s after midnight when Bucky arrives at Matt’s place but Matt is still awake. He’s listening to a podcast in the living room when Bucky walks in. 

After Bucky is settled on the couch with an apple and a glass of water Matt says: “Steve was here,”

“Good,” Bucky answers. Matt needs all the support he can get. 

“I didn’t know he used to do sex work. I guess the history books would leave that out.” Matt says and that draws Bucky up short. Did he know Steve did sex work?

He examines his memories quickly and finds no immediate answer. He puts that to thought to side and focuses on Matt. 

“Everyone has their own shit.” He says because he doesn’t know what else to say and he suspects it doesn’t really matter.

“Sam gave me articles too.” Matt tells him and gestures to the papers in braille on the table. Bucky wonders if they were here together, separate, or if Steve dropped off articles for Sam. 

“Steve said he’s sorry for telling Sam without my permission.” Matt continues. Bucky registers only now that Matt is angry. He winces.

“Everyone knows now, don’t they?” he accuses.

“Natasha has probably guessed. Pepper doesn’t know. Clint, Frank, and Jessica don’t know. Or anyone else that I know of. Steve and I were upset when we went home. We told Sam.” Bucky explains. It doesn’t make it better but he hopes Matt understands.

“Sorry,” Matt deflates, “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just – I needed to tell someone.” He admits.

Bucky doesn’t know how to do this.

“Then it was right that you told us. We can handle it.” He finally says, “Sam is always telling me I should talk about things. I do sometimes. It helps.” Bucky tells him. 

It’s true. Sometimes he shares with Natasha, Sam, or Steve and it helps. But sometimes it really upsets Steve and even Sam. That always makes Bucky feel guilty. Sam tells him that Steve has a lot of empathy and loves Bucky very much. It hurts him, and Sam, to hear that Bucky was hurt but that doesn’t make telling them bad. It just means that Steve needs to recover too. Despite all his training Bucky assumes Sam needs to recover as well, no matter what he claims. Bucky understands that need for recovery better now than he ever did before.

“It feels like its on the tip of my tongue all the time. After – after, I realized what had happened I wanted to tell everyone. I just couldn’t keep it in, anymore.” Matt tells him. 

Bucky observes him. He’s tense, ready for a fight. Bucky is relieved that his tactical brain stays quiet in this moment. 

“You didn’t tell Frank.” That’s what Bucky doesn’t understand. Of all the people to tell, why Matt choose him and Steve. And Bucky isn’t trying to pressure Matt. He means what he said that first night. Matt doesn’t have to tell Frank. Bucky refuses to be a coercive force in Matt’s life.

“I didn’t realize until after I had that fight with him. I had no idea. For months I thought it was normal. What Foggy did.” He sounds really upset and Bucky wills himself to stay calm. 

“Coercion works like that. You don’t always know how bad it is until after.” Bucky feels disconnected as he says it. Like someone else is speaking through him. Doesn’t make it less true.

“Don’t fucking compare what my ex did to me one night to what Hydra did to you.” Matt spits out.

“It’s not a fucking competition.” Bucky tells him in return. 

Matt doesn’t look like he believes Bucky but he deflates anyway.

“It’s so stupid, Bucky. I could have fought him off. I could have just said no.” Matt tells him.

“You were tired. You gave up. He shouldn’t have made you give up. He should have backed the fuck off.”

“You don’t even know what happened.” Matt bites out.

“Foggy raped you. That’s what happened. I don’t need to know more. You can tell me more but I don’t need to know to believe you.” Bucky says and this time he’s actually angry. Matt doesn’t need to justify himself and Bucky doesn’t understand why Matt keeps arguing.

Matt doesn’t answer. His face crumples and he curls up, beside Bucky.

Bucky stays silent as Matt begins to cry. Bucky would really like to stop making the people he cares about cry. Eventually, he reaches over to offer his hand to Matt, nudging his own hand against Matt’s.

Matt reaches and grips it hard. Bucky thinks maybe in a previous life he would have been embarrassed to hold the hand of a grown man who was sobbing, as a way to comfort him. Bucky thinks that he might have been a bit of a fool in that pervious life.

Bucky lets Matt calm a bit before he speaks again. 

“I don’t need you to tell me everything he did to you. If you say that you were hurt, then you were hurt.”

Matt looks dubious but he doesn’t protest. They sit in silence for a few more minutes before Matt asks, in a voice that is still shaky, if he wants Thai food. As it turns out, Bucky does. Somehow, there’s a takeout place that’s still open nearby.

After they’re done eating, Matt calls Frank and Bucky sees himself out.

He decides as he’s walking down the street, that tonight he wants to see Steve and Sam. They’ve been keeping up to date on their group chat so Bucky knows that Stave and Sam are in their apartment in Brooklyn. He braves the subway to take him from Hell’s Kitchen to Brooklyn. It’s uncomfortable and claustrophobic but unless he wants to call a taxi or Natasha he has to endure. 

He lets himself in when he gets there. Steve is sitting on the couch reading. Sam is nowhere in sight.

“Hey Buck,” Steve says craning his neck to look at Bucky.

Bucky walks over and drops a kiss on his forehead.  
“Where’s Sam?” he asks quietly. 

“Asleep, in the bedroom.” Steve tells him.

Bucky hums in understanding as he moves to the kitchen. This makes sense, Sam needs more sleep than Bucky and Steve. It’s also very early in the morning. 

Bucky comes back with a hot chocolate and sits down right in Steve’s space. Steve puts a loose arm around his waist.

“Matt said you used to work as a prostitute.” He says once he’s comfortable.

“You don’t remember,” Steve surmises. 

Bucky shakes his head.

“When we were real poor, before the war, I worked as prostitute on the side. It was easy to find a bar with a back room for fairy to take Johns back to.” Steve explains to him.

“You got a lot of street harassment?” Bucky asks. He remembers that. Was this why Steve got beat up so much?

“Yeah, I was a sick and small and a fairy. Everyone wanted to take a piece outta me.” He says, “Somewhere out there, someone’s sitting on Captain America’s arrest records.”

Bucky frowns at him and then nudges him with an elbow to continue. 

“I got arrested for all kinds of shit. You got arrested a couple times too. We got arrested in speakeasies and I got arrested a few times when I got caught with a John. Once we got arrested for brawling. Sam still doesn’t believe me.” There’s laughter in Steve’s voice when he finishes.

“You miss it.” Bucky guesses.

Steve looks wistful but says, “No, I don’t miss sucking dick so we could have enough for rent that month, or almost dying of pneumonia three times, or watching thirty people in our building die every year. I’m glad we’re here. I’m glad we’re safe.” Steve turns and rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder. 

In that moment, exhaustion crashes into Bucky. He’s done so much today and learned so much and argued. He wants to be done.

“I’m tired.” He murmurs into Steve’s hair.

“Where do you want to sleep?” Steve asks.

Bucky shuffles through the options mentally.

“Do you think Sam will mind?” he asks.

“Not at all. Do you mind if I come along for a bit?” 

Bucky considers carefully. 

“Come on.” He says finally tugging Steve behind him.

Sam wakes up when they settle in but he just mumbles incoherently at them and moves over to make space. 

Bucky is on the edge of the bed, Steve between him and Sam and he watches them both in the dim light until he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some self victim blaming in this, and non-explicit discussion of rape.
> 
> [Come say hi to me on tumblr!](http://sometimesihavequestions.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Comments and kudos give me life!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The usual warnings of violence and the discussion of rape go for this chapter. Tread carefully.
> 
> I think I need to edit the last chapter a little to make it match up with the timeline of this one. I'm gonna do that sometime soon but keep in mind that currently there's a time discrepancy.

“Hello?” Frank answers the call, sounding mostly asleep.

“Frank,” Matt says.

“Red?” 

“Can you come over?” he desperately wants to be held right now.

“What’s wrong?” Frank asks, and Matt can hear rustling in the background.

“Nothing. I just – please?” he doesn’t know how to articulate what he needs. Especially, not over the phone.

“Ok, ok, I’ll be over soon.” 

In the silence after hanging up, Matt feels blank. He sits stock still on the couch, his softest blanket over his shoulders, and waits for Frank to arrive. 

He has no sense of how many minutes have passed since he called Frank nor any idea of how early it is when Frank knocks at the door. It’s a sweet gesture. Matt knows he has a key. Matt lets him knock again before Frank unlocks the door himself. He walks in quietly, closing the door quietly. 

“Red?” Frank calls.

Finally, Matt speaks, “Over here.”

“Red, what’s wrong?” Frank sits on the couch, far enough away that they aren’t touching. Matt can’t even feel the heat coming off his body.

Matt opens his mouth to speak but realizes he has no idea how to start, what to say. He inhales sharply, feels anxiety flood into him. 

“Can you hold me?” he says after a beat.

“Of course,” Frank answers in a soft tone, “of course, sweetheart.”

Matt tries his best to hold back tears. He’s suddenly not sure he wants Frank to hold him. Frank will be so gentle and Matt fears he might break apart at the soft touches. Frank doesn’t move towards him but rather lets Matt make the first move. Matt decides it’s ok if he breaks apart a little. It won’t be anything new. He scooches over to Frank and Frank opens his arms. Matt settles into them slowly. Frank holds him, not too hard. Matt knows he can break away. He knows how. He’s hit Frank before, hurt him, knocked him flat and this is a comfort. Matt can feel all the hallows and soft spots on Frank’s body that he could attack. 

He pushes his face into the crook of Frank’s neck.

Frank starts to hum. Matt wonders Frank comforted his children like this, with gentle singing after a nightmare or a fall from a bike. 

They sit like that until Matt takes a breath and whispers into Frank’s neck, “I love you,”

Frank kisses the side of his head and hums into his hair.

“Foggy raped me.”

Frank tenses, but doesn’t squeeze. Just keeps holding Matt. Kisses the top of his head and inhales slowly. 

“He raped me, Frank.” Matt says, a little louder this time. 

“Matt,” he sounds like he’s going to say more but Matt finds a sudden energy.

“I was so stupid. I could have stopped him. I’m stronger, I know what I’m doing. I could have just-” he is tense, ready to throw Frank off of him.

“You didn’t deserve this, Matt.” Frank cuts him off.

“I just gave up. I could have done anything and he would have stopped and I just gave up!” he’s pushes Frank away from him.

“Matt! Are you defending him? Shut up! What is this? He raped you!”

“I just- Frank, he kept on pushing, and I was so tired. I just wanted to be cuddle but I was so tired.” Matt says, eyes welling up.

“Then he should have left you the fuck alone!” Frank says and his tone books no argument.

Matt has nothing left to say. He just sits beside Frank and cries. He feels overcome.

Frank rubs his back, slow but sure, for a long time while he cries. Eventually, Frank leaves to get a box of tissues, a towel, a glass of water, sets them on the table and keeps rubbing Matt’s back. Matt’s tears come in waves. Eventually, he is resting against Frank’s chest mostly asleep. 

“Matt,” he calls until Matt stirs.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Frank whispers.

Matt shakes his head, “Shower,” he croaks out. 

Matt gets up, collects his towel and softest pants and shirt, heads to the bathroom.

As he’s about to enter the bathroom, he calls for Frank and holds the door open. Frank hauls himself up and by the time he’s there, Bucky is passing Matt in the doorway. Matt looks surprised but says nothing.

Bucky eyes Frank, grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him into Matt’s hallway. 

“He can still hear you.” Frank tells him.

“I know,” Bucky answers.

“You were there the whole time?” Frank asks.

Bucky doesn’t dignify that with an answer. 

“If you fuck this this up Castle-” 

Bucky doesn’t complete the threat.

Frank nods. He knows perfectly well the threat those words hold. 

“Remember Natasha, Steve, Sam and the rest care for him too.” Its benign enough statement but Frank knows this is the greatest threat of all. Matt has friends. Everyone Frank knows will support and protect Matt.

When he gets back into the bathroom, Matt is already in the shower. 

“Matt?” he asks, feeling awkward.

“Please, stay with me.” 

“Where you like me?” Frank doesn’t want to make any mistakes.

“Not in here with me.” Matt tells him.

“Okay,” Frank tells him and sits down on the toilet lid.

He doesn’t speak. Just listens to the water slapping on the shower floor. Matt doesn’t speak either. Frank wonders where Bucky is now, how much he heard, if he’s whispering the contents of their conversation to Sam or Steve right now.

“Pass me the towel?” Matt asks holding a hand out from behind the curtain. Frank hands it to him and Matt emerges a moment later, damp and drooping. Frank decides to take over.

“Let’s get you to bed.” He tells Matt and reaches to put a hand in the middle of Matt’s back. Matt does not flinch, but rather leans farther into the touch.

Frank leads him gently to bed, asks if he wants something to sleep in, and forces some water into him. Then, as Matt is laying down and Frank is moving away to sleep on the living room couch, Matt calls to him.

“Sleep here?” 

“Matt,” Frank sighs, “you gonna be ok with that? Sharing a bed”

Matt casts his face down.

“Don’t spoon me.” Matt says.

“Ok.”

“I might have to kick you out.”

“That’s fine.”

“I might have nightmares.”

“Nothing new.” 

“Sleep with me?” Matt asks again.

Frank sighs again and sheds his pants and crawls into bed with Matt.

~~~~~~

They sleep barely touching, knees tucked together, Matts head under Franks, and Matt with one arm around Frank’s waist. Frank sleeps still as death. He wakes several times throughout the night. Each time he lays awake for several minutes, listening to Matt sleeping and to the noises of the apartment. 

~~~~~~

Frank is around the apartment a lot more after that night. After a week of Frank staying over, Matt sits them down.

“What are we doing?” he asks.

“Huh?”

“I want you here. I want to be with you.” Matt clarifies.

“I am here,” Frank says.

“All the time,” Matt tells him earnestly.

“We can do that,” frank tells him.

“Can we?” Matt’s brow is furrowed. 

“Red, I want to be with you. I would love to live with you,”

“But,” Matt prompts. It’s not a question.

Frank sighs. 

“I’m not going to stop doing my work.” Frank tells him. He will not compromise on this but saying it makes his face grow hot and his stomach drop. Matt could leave him for this.

Matt deflates, sits back and sighs.

“I know that.” Matt says after a beat of silence.

Frank feels his chest tighten. 

“But I still love you,” Matt sounds small and desperate.

Frank reaches over and takes Matt’s hand. He holds it in both of his own.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ok with what you do.” Matt tells him.

“I know,” Frank admits and brings Matt’s hand to his lips, kisses his rough knuckles.

“I –” Matt takes a deep breath, “we need to talk about this more.”

“Ok, ok,” Frank tells him, noticing Matt fidgeting and how he’s breathing fast. He reels Matt in and holds him. Matt lets himself be held.

“We don’t have to talk it all through now.” Frank tells him.

“On Saturday.” Matt says firmly. 

“On Saturday,” Frank whispers into his hair.

~~~~~~

They’re sitting together in Matt’s living room, their living room, after dinner. Matt is reading casework and Frank has given up research for pleasure reading. Matt’s been getting more and more fidgety, spending long moments in silence not reading or ostensibly doing anything. Frank hasn’t mentioned it yet. He’s determined to wait the strange silences out.

“Frank?” Matt finally says.

“Hmm?” he answers, curious and casual.

“If someone has been raped?” Matt starts and Frank tries to stay calm, “and then he later has sex with that same person, is that consensual? Do you think you can have consensual sex again with someone who raped you?” Matt asks and he frowning deeply. Frank studies him for a long moment, not sure if Matt is fishing for a certain answer or asking because he’s genuinely not sure.

“I think that’s up to the victim what to label it.” He answers finally. It’s the truth.

“Is it?” Matt’s head is down.

“Yes. I can’t tell you if that was consensual, Matt. Only you can.” Frank is surer of his answer this time.

“We fucked again after that night. I hadn’t realized yet that it wasn’t – that he had raped me. I wanted to be with him so badly. It wasn’t so bad-” Matt pauses for a long moment here, “I just wish I hadn’t gone back. After he hurt me.” 

“I’m sorry,” is all Frank can offer.

Matt sits in silence for a long moment before smiling at Frank. He gets up and kisses Frank. He doesn’t stay. Matt moves to the kitchen and Frank sits in empty living room feeling abiding rage.

~~~~~~

The talks about their conduct as Daredevil and Punisher go about as well as expected. They decide to keep it an ongoing discussion. Renegotiation and situational decisions. They’re consigning themselves to endless negotiations and Frank is already exhausted by the prospect. But he wants to be with Matt, so he’s willing to try.

One hard rule they establish is that Frank can not kill Foggy. It’s a concession he makes with both pain and ease. He knows he would lose Matt forever if he were to harm Foggy, but he knows that Foggy deserves that harm.

He calls Natasha.

“Hello?” she sounds wide awake completely composed. It is only 11 in the evening. He’s in one of his safehouses alone tonight.

“It’s Frank.”

“Frank, what can I do for you?”

“We should pay Foggy a visit.”

“Sure,”

~~~~~~

They go that night. They do not knock. Frank wants to kick down the door. Natasha has a key. They use that instead. They’re in luck. Foggy is sitting in the living room. 

Frank has seen men he’s about shoot look less scared than Foggy does in this moment. He supposes having the door unlock itself unexpectedly to reveal the Punisher and Black Widow might be a little intimidating.

Foggy leaps to his feet. Natasha lets herself in as if this is a normal day for her.

“What-” Foggy has to gasp, “What the fuck? Is Matt ok?” 

Matt. His first thought is Matt. Frank feels sick. 

“No,” Frank responds before Natasha can. She shoots him an unreadable look. 

Foggy’s eyes go wide and he starts looking around frantically. Frank wonders what the fuck this man thinks he’s doing. 

He strides up to Foggy and in a smooth motion slams him against the wall, knife out and pressed against his ribs. Foggy stops breathing.

For a moment Frank is so enraged he can’t even speak. He wants to press the knife in. It would be so easy. 

“Matt asked me not to kill you. Unlike you, I am actually going honor my lovers wishes.” Frank tells him.

“Stay away from Matt. Don’t go near him. If you’re in the same building, I want you to leave it. If you work on the same case give it to someone else,” Foggy opens his mouth here to say something, “I don’t care about your career or whatever. I want you to leave Matt the fuck alone.”

Natasha pushes Frank over a bit. He withdraws the knife, but leaves his fist clenched in Foggy’s shirt. Natasha leans in close and Foggy looks all the more frightened for it. 

“You should leave the city.” Is all she says.

He splutters and he’s breathing fast. 

“This is – you can’t. This isn’t legal!” he finally gets out.

Natasha cocks her head and smiles sweetly at him. Frank rolls his eyes. 

“We have backup,” is all she says before pressing a button on her phone. The windows to the left of them shatter inward, then the windows on the left do the same. Foggy is cowering as shards of glass slip through his hair, like little drops of dew.

“I want you gone by tomorrow,” Natasha tells him.

Foggy starts sputtering about blackmail, intimidation, the legality of their actions.

Frank puts his knife against Foggy’s cheek, under his eye. Foggy stops breathing.

“Blackmail? How’s this for blackmail, if you don’t leave this city we will ruin you. You won’t be able to practice anything anywhere in this country. We make you and everything you do toxic.”

Foggy’s chest is heaving and Frank presses the blade harder. Foggy’s cheek splits and his eyes well up. Blood is already running down the blade.

“Foggy, please know that I have the resources to plant whatever information I want about you, and no one will believe you and any of your defenses.” Natasha tells him with a slight grin, as if to tell him she would love the chance to ruin him herself. Its then, that Bucky hops in through the window. He’s in all black combat gear and Foggy jumps, causing the blade, still against his cheek, to bite in deeply. His resulting flinch makes the blade cut another diverging mark lower on his cheek.

Bucky says and does nothing, but after only a moment that Foggy looks at Frank, wild eyed and whispers, “I’ll leave,”

Frank nods, but stares him down a moment longer, before stepping back. He wipes his blade and hand on Foggy’s shirt for a long moment, enjoying the way Foggy is shuddering. 

He wants to do more, maybe shoot Foggy in the leg for good measure. He’ll save that for the possibility that Foggy doesn’t follow their direction. 

Natasha smiles at Foggy and turns to lead the party out of the room. She walks slowly and lingers at the bullet holes in Foggy’s wall. Bucky does not follow them and Frank hears a cut off gasp as they close the door behind them.

He doesn’t need to be there to see what Bucky does. He knows it will be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> When will I ever stop writing about sexual violence? Who knows.
> 
> Anyway, this deals with the aftermath of coercive rape between Matt and Foggy. It's not very graphic but if that could be triggering to you please tread carefully.
> 
> Kudos and comments give me life!


End file.
